I’ve been looking for a job lately.  Got to get out in the “real” world.  I want to work in the film industry and there’s actually a lot of movies being filmed here.  So you would think that it would be fairly easy.  It’s not.  No one returns your calls, even the contacts that you’ve known now for years.  About to go call one of them AGAIN.  I’m just nervous for if he does actually answer this time.  What am I supposed to say?  Hey gimme a job? I just hate asking for things like that.  I like to feel self sufficient. 

The other thing is what I really want to be is an actress.  It’s what I love.  Getting to get outside yourself, outside your own life.  The problem is (obviously) low self esteem.  I’m super shy so putting myself out there is really difficult.  Plus, I just don’t know if I have the talent.  Not that much experience with acting since high school.  And also, it’s a big leap of faith to go after a career like this because if I end up just doing shitty commercials for the rest of my life I’d hate myself.  Perhaps I feel so bad right now because I haven’t taken the handful of pills yet that I need to feel “normal.”  I have a love/hate relationship with those as well.  On regular days they really help me not be so emotional and up and down, but then they make me slightly stoic.  And an actor really needs to be in touch with their emotions.  But I can’t go off the pills because I was fucking insane without them.  Up and down and up and down.  Plus, I acted out when I would be on a high streak in ways that were really embarrassing.  But actors are supposed to be crazy, right?  lol.  Oh hell .